Recently, a friend casually asked me how I am, and I spontaneously replied, “I’m fine! How are you?” before I even took a second to process the question. Catching myself, I said, “Haha, that came out like an automated reply. Actually, things have been… a little hectic lately.” We laughed at the irony of my first answer and carried on with the conversation. But my robotic response to that one question posed multiple times a day, made me pause and ask myself, how am I really?
Life since the last year has been – to put it in one word – eventful. A mixed bag of happiness, adventure, fun, anxiety, stress. While there are exciting experiences to recount and much more to experiment, there is often this lingering sense of feeling lost. Lost within the heartbeats of a city that throbs with life. Lost within a maze with millions of routes but only your instinct to trust. Lost within the delicate folds of the question ‘Am I doing enough?’
Maybe it’s that age. The newness of things. The acceptance of adulthood in its rawest sense. Being blindfolded, rotated and nudged into a world of possibilities. Like a blind date with life; it could go either way… but the consequences are to stay. Every experience experienced, every person met – a mere roll of the dice. And sometimes, I feel like I’m not the one rolling my dice.
But in the big picture, that is just a grey lining to the silver cloud. The people make it worthwhile. Greeting acquaintances with an anticipatory ‘hi’, while snuggling into the comfort of old ties. The friends turned to family, the jokes and the raillery. The unplanned trips, and the embarrassing video clips. The small bursts of confidence from putting in effort, seeing myself grow and become a little better than the day before.
There is so much to learn, but perhaps even more to unlearn. The outdated beliefs to be replaced with a clean slate of the mind; ready to be painted with colors, showered with flowers, sometimes running rogue with graffiti that empowers.
So, I’ll seek solace in the anticipation of the firsts yet to come, the things to look forward to. Discover myself and find my footing, sometimes down the well-trodden road, sometimes down the road not taken. 🙂
PS: How are you?
Moonlit Musings 