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Ever been lost in a whirlwind of thoughts? Well, here’s an anecdote from the labyrinth of my mind that will make you think. But if you’re anything like me, hopefully not too much.
2 am. Rhythmic, gentle creaking of the ceiling fan. I lay flat on my bed, my arms and legs in a giant, defiant X. It was another one of those nights when sleep eluded me. I had the whole king-sized bed to myself, but lacked control of the kingdom within my head space. I had once again unknowingly invited unwanted thoughts and people to live inside my castle rent free.
There they were, the rook making the rookie mistake of blithely sliding up and down the corridors of the mind and trampling on everything in its way, the dark horse taking unprecedented turns out of nowhere, while insidious pawns littered here and there, scheming for something bigger. To avoid feeling checkmated, I decided to take a step back and tackle things one step at a time (not like the king has much choice in that matter). And that’s how I ended up staring at the fan, hoping it would answer some of the questions swirling in my mind at a speed not too different from that of its blades.
Not wanting to use my mobile (I was already reeling from the endless reels), I silently made a pact with myself to go to sleep anyway, momentarily pleased for coming up with this ingenious solution. As I turned on my side, I mentally patted myself for doing so. I had seen a YouTube video that said that sleeping on your side was good for your body. But was it the left side, or the right side? My eyes flew open, and I had to resist the urge to grab my mobile, go online and uncover right away the answer to this suddenly very important question.
I tossed and turned (figured that would at least allow me a 50-50 chance of benefiting from whichever side was the “correct” one to sleep on). It was obvious to me why I couldn’t sleep. I had gone on a thought-overdrive once again, thanks to all the stress and uncertainty that had been coming at me with a resolute mission of driving me nuts every few days.
Indeed, almost every twenty-something adult goes through this quarter-life crisis phase of “what-the-hell-should-I-do-with-my-life” at some point or the other. But ironically, that is also the beauty of it. We are bonded together in the shared knowledge that each one of us is doing our best to figure things out for ourselves; what kind of a person we want to be, what we want to do or not do, like or dislike, not be an asshole especially to those we love, and become a little better everyday, all the while trying to support and keep each other afloat.
I sometimes find myself appreciating the innocent joy of childhood in nostalgia. Things were so simple and straightforward back then. But now, every word uttered, every letter typed, every breath taken, and every smile smiled, seems to be open to countless interpretations. Going down a black hole of thoughts is like being stranded outside your own car because you mindlessly left the key inside. You can see the key right there, dangling teasingly in front of your eyes, but not reach it, thanks to your tinted “window” of self-criticism. And that’s the least of how frustrating overthinking can be. It puts a brake on your plans and wipers away your happiness when all you wanted to do, is merely clutch on to your mental peace.
Overthinking is witnessing your mind run on a conveyor belt of thoughts; churning them over and over without there seeming to be any foreseeable end to it. It’s like a mental treadmill, except that the speed and incline keeps on increasing, there’s no ‘stop’ button, and sometimes it feels like the only way off is through an emergency exit called ‘distraction,’ which may or may not lead you to the kitchen for a midnight snack or binge watch three seasons of Friends in one go. If there were an Overthinking Olympics, I’m confident I would ace it, and that’s saying a lot, considering the number of things I’ve been feeling super confident about lately.
I once came across this brilliant analogy where overthinking was likened to ‘mental diarrhea’. When you intake junk food (negative thoughts), your mind naturally wants to throw up. In the worst instances, the anxiousness builds up until the over-whelming thoughts trickle down the corner of the eye in silent frustration. But when your mind tricks you into asking – ‘Isn’t it lovely?’, all you can do is shake off the sarcasm, stay resilient and resolve, ‘But I know some day I’ll make it out of here, even if it takes all night or a hundred years.’
Coming back to this particular night, with no sight of sleep in the vicinity, I decided to wake up and take a walk. And so, I went on a stroll. All the way till the kitchen. Not like I could go out anywhere alone at that time of the night. I looked out the window and took a moment to breathe in the petrichor and appreciate the soothing silence of the moonlit night against the backdrop of cricket noises. As I gazed outside in deep contemplation, it took me a few minutes to distinguish the rumble of my thoughts from the one in my stomach and I ended up binging on some snacks. I convinced myself that it was okay – it was just food for thought after all.
On my return journey, I took a detour on a whim and sauntered to the other room. When I opened the door, I saw my dog taking a nice, long stretch. Apparently, he was having a sleepless night too (for no other reason that he sleeps like a dog during the day). We were both overjoyed with this unexpected rendezvous. I sat on the floor, and he came and snuggled into my lap, licking my face. I laughed and gave him a head massage.
Funny, how the one who barely has any concerns in life, gets regular, premium massages in our house (his only pet peeve is being forced to take a bath; we take turns to give him extra massages on those blue days). Ironically, giving him a massage was melting my own stress and I found myself smiling ear to ear as we sat in peace, limbs entwined. After some more petting and licking and countless whispers of “you are a good boy, aren’t you?”, I patted him back to sleep.
I felt a little silly. Silly, because here I was feeling down, when I had so much to be happy for. It almost made me feel guilty. I reminded myself of all the lovely people and things I had in my life and how incredibly lucky I was. As I did this, I felt gratitude slowly fill my heart, not like a wave, but rather drop by drop by drop, until it reached the eyes. I still wasn’t sleepy, but I was a lot more at peace. I realized I needed to consciously enjoy the little moments in life and keep reminding myself how much I had to be grateful for. That may not be the ultimate solution – maybe there was no simple formula – but one keeps trying.
So here are some things that I do to preserve my peace when I can sense my monkey-mind getting tempted to go down a rabbit hole of thoughts. Journalling is a blessing. It is a way of telling the mind – ‘Okay boss, let’s address this thing that’s bothering you instead of ignoring it and sweeping it under a rug, until it erupts like a volcano on a random day because you are missing a sock from every darn pair in your cupboard.’
Talking my thoughts out loud to my friends helps hugely, and makes me realize how most of my fears are irrational (note to self: wanting to watch a documentary on cake-decoration when there is an important presentation to be given the next day is not crazy. IT’S FINE. Infact, it probably had something to do with the presentation being a cakewalk the next day). I feel extremely grateful to have genuine people in my life with whom I can discuss these things (the serious stuff, not the cake-decoration) without judgement.
I make it a point to write gratitude chits and fill it in a cute, little jar as frequently as possible, for a reminder on the days that feel less sunny, that like everything else, ‘this too shall pass’. Making time to do activities and hobbies that put me in a state of ‘flow’ or complete focus is one of the best ways to clear the mind and channel the energy in the right direction. When worrying about too many things at once, just taking the smallest step towards action can bring momentum and make a challenge seem less like an unbeatable, evil monster and more like the kind that Percy Jackson effortlessly sliced into golden dust, like it was just another regular day.
Most of all, being more compassionate and kind to myself has been a game-changer – I don’t despise myself for having negative thoughts and emotions or for fretting over things outside my control but try to gently talk myself out of it. I still have a long, long way to go, but that doesn’t scare me anymore. One mile at a time, right? (I eventually managed to extract the key inside the locked car!)
PS: Just in case you were wondering, sleeping on your left side is thought to have the most benefits to your overall health. : )
Moonlit Musings 