To Think or Not to Think?

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Ever been lost in a whirlwind of thoughts? Well, here’s an anecdote from the labyrinth of my mind that will make you think. But if you’re anything like me, hopefully not too much.

2 am. Rhythmic, gentle creaking of the ceiling fan. I lay flat on my bed, my arms and legs in a giant, defiant X. It was another one of those nights when sleep eluded me. I had the whole king-sized bed to myself, but lacked control of the kingdom within my head space. I had once again unknowingly invited unwanted thoughts and people to live inside my castle rent free.

There they were, the rook making the rookie mistake of blithely sliding up and down the corridors of the mind and trampling on everything in its way, the dark horse taking unprecedented turns out of nowhere, while insidious pawns littered here and there, scheming for something bigger. To avoid feeling checkmated, I decided to take a step back and tackle things one step at a time (not like the king has much choice in that matter). And that’s how I ended up staring at the fan, hoping it would answer some of the questions swirling in my mind at a speed not too different from that of its blades. 

Not wanting to use my mobile (I was already reeling from the endless reels), I silently made a pact with myself to go to sleep anyway, momentarily pleased for coming up with this ingenious solution. As I turned on my side, I mentally patted myself for doing so. I had seen a YouTube video that said that sleeping on your side was good for your body. But was it the left side, or the right side? My eyes flew open, and I had to resist the urge to grab my mobile, go online and uncover right away the answer to this suddenly very important question.

I tossed and turned (figured that would at least allow me a 50-50 chance of benefiting from whichever side was the “correct” one to sleep on). It was obvious to me why I couldn’t sleep. I had gone on a thought-overdrive once again, thanks to all the stress and uncertainty that had been coming at me with a resolute mission of driving me nuts every few days. 

Indeed, almost every twenty-something adult goes through this quarter-life crisis phase of “what-the-hell-should-I-do-with-my-life” at some point or the other. But ironically, that is also the beauty of it. We are bonded together in the shared knowledge that each one of us is doing our best to figure things out for ourselves; what kind of a person we want to be, what we want to do or not do, like or dislike, not be an asshole especially to those we love, and become a little better everyday, all the while trying to support and keep each other afloat.

I sometimes find myself appreciating the innocent joy of childhood in nostalgia. Things were so simple and straightforward back then. But now, every word uttered, every letter typed, every breath taken, and every smile smiled, seems to be open to countless interpretations. Going down a black hole of thoughts is like being stranded outside your own car because you mindlessly left the key inside. You can see the key right there, dangling teasingly in front of your eyes, but not reach it, thanks to your tinted “window” of self-criticism. And that’s the least of how frustrating overthinking can be. It puts a brake on your plans and wipers away your happiness when all you wanted to do, is merely clutch on to your mental peace.

Overthinking is witnessing your mind run on a conveyor belt of thoughts; churning them over and over without there seeming to be any foreseeable end to it. It’s like a mental treadmill, except that the speed and incline keeps on increasing, there’s no ‘stop’ button, and sometimes it feels like the only way off is through an emergency exit called ‘distraction,’ which may or may not lead you to the kitchen for a midnight snack or binge watch three seasons of Friends in one go. If there were an Overthinking Olympics, I’m confident I would ace it, and that’s saying a lot, considering the number of things I’ve been feeling super confident about lately.

I once came across this brilliant analogy where overthinking was likened to ‘mental diarrhea’. When you intake junk food (negative thoughts), your mind naturally wants to throw up. In the worst instances, the anxiousness builds up until the over-whelming thoughts trickle down the corner of the eye in silent frustration. But when your mind tricks you into asking – ‘Isn’t it lovely?’, all you can do is shake off the sarcasm, stay resilient and resolve, ‘But I know some day I’ll make it out of here, even if it takes all night or a hundred years.’

Coming back to this particular night, with no sight of sleep in the vicinity, I decided to wake up and take a walk. And so, I went on a stroll. All the way till the kitchen. Not like I could go out anywhere alone at that time of the night. I looked out the window and took a moment to breathe in the petrichor and appreciate the soothing silence of the moonlit night against the backdrop of cricket noises. As I gazed outside in deep contemplation, it took me a few minutes to distinguish the rumble of my thoughts from the one in my stomach and I ended up binging on some snacks. I convinced myself that it was okay – it was just food for thought after all.

On my return journey, I took a detour on a whim and sauntered to the other room. When I opened the door, I saw my dog taking a nice, long stretch. Apparently, he was having a sleepless night too (for no other reason that he sleeps like a dog during the day). We were both overjoyed with this unexpected rendezvous. I sat on the floor, and he came and snuggled into my lap, licking my face. I laughed and gave him a head massage. 

Funny, how the one who barely has any concerns in life, gets regular, premium massages in our house (his only pet peeve is being forced to take a bath; we take turns to give him extra massages on those blue days). Ironically, giving him a massage was melting my own stress and I found myself smiling ear to ear as we sat in peace, limbs entwined. After some more petting and licking and countless whispers of “you are a good boy, aren’t you?”, I patted him back to sleep.

I felt a little silly. Silly, because here I was feeling down, when I had so much to be happy for. It almost made me feel guilty. I reminded myself of all the lovely people and things I had in my life and how incredibly lucky I was. As I did this, I felt gratitude slowly fill my heart, not like a wave, but rather drop by drop by drop, until it reached the eyes. I still wasn’t sleepy, but I was a lot more at peace. I realized I needed to consciously enjoy the little moments in life and keep reminding myself how much I had to be grateful for. That may not be the ultimate solution – maybe there was no simple formula – but one keeps trying.

So here are some things that I do to preserve my peace when I can sense my monkey-mind getting tempted to go down a rabbit hole of thoughts. Journalling is a blessing. It is a way of telling the mind – ‘Okay boss, let’s address this thing that’s bothering you instead of ignoring it and sweeping it under a rug, until it erupts like a volcano on a random day because you are missing a sock from every darn pair in your cupboard.’

Talking my thoughts out loud to my friends helps hugely, and makes me realize how most of my fears are irrational (note to self: wanting to watch a documentary on cake-decoration when there is an important presentation to be given the next day is not crazy. IT’S FINE. Infact, it probably had something to do with the presentation being a cakewalk the next day). I feel extremely grateful to have genuine people in my life with whom I can discuss these things (the serious stuff, not the cake-decoration) without judgement.

I make it a point to write gratitude chits and fill it in a cute, little jar as frequently as possible, for a reminder on the days that feel less sunny, that like everything else, ‘this too shall pass’. Making time to do activities and hobbies that put me in a state of ‘flow’ or complete focus is one of the best ways to clear the mind and channel the energy in the right direction. When worrying about too many things at once, just taking the smallest step towards action can bring momentum and make a challenge seem less like an unbeatable, evil monster and more like the kind that Percy Jackson effortlessly sliced into golden dust, like it was just another regular day.

Most of all, being more compassionate and kind to myself has been a game-changer – I don’t despise myself for having negative thoughts and emotions or for fretting over things outside my control but try to gently talk myself out of it. I still have a long, long way to go, but that doesn’t scare me anymore. One mile at a time, right? (I eventually managed to extract the key inside the locked car!)

PS: Just in case you were wondering, sleeping on your left side is thought to have the most benefits to your overall health. : )

Life in “shares”

Of late, learning about the stock market had piqued my interest. One rainy evening, sipping hot chai while breathing in the fresh, petrichor-rich air, I found myself looking at the stock market chart of a company, as one often does when trying to determine its progress over the years. I first checked the graph for that day, then for that week, month, and year, until I zoomed out to the five-year graph. As someone merely dabbling in the arena, no amount of squinting at the laptop screen, head cupped in hands, miraculously gave me “the answers” to the relevant questions. Nevertheless, I did go on a tangent and make an interesting observation.

As I gazed at the rugged lines on the chart, ravenously rushing up and then dejectedly dipping down, fluctuating at a phenomenal pace, it occurred to me that if we were to have our lives analyzed and depicted in a similar manner, it wouldn’t be dramatically different from what was in front of me. Curious to explore the analogy, I drew some parallels; imagining a person’s life being split into numerous little shares, the price of each, quantified in terms of happiness and meaning.

Some days we’re better off, and the prices shoot through the roof. Then there are days when the prices – or happiness levels – stoop and fall, and we feel low, literally and figuratively. And then there are times when the societal market itself crashes. We all find ourselves in the same boat, feeling blue, surrounded by the morbid sea of death and sickness, looking for the smallest branch of hope to hang on to.

But if we’re willing to pardon the untimely fall in the price of a company’s share for a week, month, or even a year, trusting that the company is a good one and has the potential to sky-rocket – I asked myself – why don’t we give ourselves a similar benefit of the doubt? Why do we beat ourselves up for every small slip, every little thing that doesn’t go according to plan, and overthink our way into an abyss of unpleasant thoughts?

True, in that moment, on that day, things could have left a bitter taste in the mouth, which no amount of forced positivity can rinse off. But one good or bad day does not decide whether we choose to invest in a company, and analogously would not determine the quality of our entire life. As Matt Haig writes in his book, The Midnight Library, “Sometimes the only way to learn, is to live.” And what is life, if not stewed in a pot of mixed experiences, generously garnished with mistakes, peppered with a pinch of regret here, a dash of embarrassment there, and topped with wholesome love?

It is the five and ten-year graphs that speak volumes about us. If they are on a decline, maybe it’s time to take a step back and rethink our lifestyle. But if the curve is steadily trudging upwards – albeit at snail’s pace – then that’s an assurance that we are headed in the right direction. Life seems a lot like an uneven road riddled with puddles and potholes, and we need not read too much into every pitfall we find ourselves in. (Of course, we could pay a wee bit more attention to the intuitive signposts at every corner that we often conveniently turn a blind eye to!)

Zooming out and looking at the big picture would work wonders for most of us. We make so much progress over the years, only to sweep it under a rug of self-doubt, when we most need to hold it close to the heart. Perhaps if we had as much faith in ourselves and our potential, as we have in stocks and shares, we would be much, much happier. If we could only take a bird’s-eye view of the present the way we look at our past, as a part of the whole, we would treat it quite differently, wouldn’t we? And the next time we face a set-back, even if that means multiple points in a year of being caged in our own houses, perhaps the picture of an imaginary graph will come to our mind, with a tiny dent at its right end. And here’s hoping it soon arches upward in full blossom, like a bent rose curving up to smile at the sun anew.

Captain

You dog-eared the pages of my life,

Coloured them happy with splashes of black, white and brown

Your furry wags made my day, everyday,

Brushing off my face anything that resembled a frown

Your jaunty walk made the mornings 10x sunnier,

Pats, wuffs, wags, rubs and hugs – size large

Its a wonder how my stress always eased off,

While giving you an endless head massage 

You were the one who always greeted me the same,

Irrespective of my highest highs or my lowest lows

You showered me with the purest form of love that exists,

Only shy of your love for bananas, potatoes and mangoes 🙂

You made children and grownups alike lose their fear of dogs,

And were the talking point for the introverted-me who didn’t know how to small-talk

Your sage-like “thatha” eyes gave me answers to questions I didn’t know I had,

Credit to your large ears, you were the best listener for every moody monologue

If someone ever asks me, you are my inspiration,

Just want to be as joyful, loving and happy as you were

It was an absolute treat to have had you Captain,

You made 10 years pass by in the most beautiful blur ❤

Care

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I care about doing something I find meaningful with my life,

I care about discovering those little things that bring a sparkle in our eyes

I care about trying to resist the urge to take everything too seriously,

I care about learning to let go even when I feel about something too deeply

I care about the meaning of my existence in this big blue sphere,

I care about whether I’m being a good enough friend to those I hold dear

I care about the rights and the wrongs and the vast grey area in between,

I care about rekindling hope and believing again in a deserted dream

I care about making peace, whether with a disappointment or heartbreak,

I care about whether I’m learning from them or yet again naively raising the stake

I care about bothering others with my rant when I’m in a loop of endless thoughts,

I care about speaking my heart, even when my stomach is in knots

I care about being “myself” and letting my vulnerabilities be seen,

Yet I care about the imposter syndrome and how often I’m hiding behind a screen

Sometimes I wonder what it must be like to live with a little less worry, a little less stress,

And yet, if I had a choice, I’d always rather care a little too much than a little too less

Here’s to wiping away the mist and appreciating each other at our core,

Here’s to being kind to ourselves when we can’t help but feel, just a little more…

Stains and Stigmas

I had always considered myself fortunate as far as menstrual pain was concerned. When my friends complained of the agony, I did sympathize with them, but a part of me would feel relieved that the monthly menace had gone easy on me. Until four years back, when for the first time, sixteen-year-old me came to terms with what real period pain felt like.

Dressed in my pristine white and grey stripped uniform with a dupatta draped across my shoulders, little did I expect that day in college to be any different from the others. The queasiness began in the first hour itself. I impatiently waited for the class to get over, suspecting the worst. Then, surreptitiously slipping a pad inside my pocket, I rushed to the washroom, fervently wishing the absence of a stain on my suit. But there it was: a large, unmistakable red blotch, staring back at me defiantly. I groaned in exasperation. There was hardly any time before the next class commenced and the washroom would soon be empty. I saw my classmate there and sheepishly asked her for help. She quickly tied the ends of my dupatta so as to cover the stain.

As my professors continued to teach, I breathed with difficulty as the pain deviously escaped the confines of my stomach and spread through the body. I was sweating profusely and felt giddy, massaging my palms to alleviate the pain. My friend seated beside me noticed my discomfort and asked if I was alright. I simply nodded. After all, I thought succumbing to pain was a sign of weakness. I wasn’t going to waste an entire day of precious JEE coaching go waste over some unruly monthly cycle! I stubbornly tolerated for some time until I felt threateningly nauseous. Afraid of throwing up, I asked my professor to excuse me to go home. As I boarded an autorickshaw home, the restrained tears finally trickled down my cheeks. I realized to my surprise that they weren’t tears resulting from the pain, but rather from shame. I was ashamed that I hadn’t been able to withstand a mere period pain.

Looking back, I realize how laughably naïve I had been. I had denied my body the bare minimal rest and care it needed in a time of distress. And yet, I see so many women around me doing something similar. I’ve seen teachers teach in classes with a contorted face, trying to mask the pain. Heard of menstruating women compelled to go to work, but embarrassed to seek support from colleagues. Seen mothers carry on with their chores while ignoring the suffering, as though years of pain had somehow made it easier to bear the brunt. The stigma associated with menstruation only makes it harder to ask for assistance. Even the most unyielding stains on dresses fade with time but how do we wash away the dark misconceptions in the minds of many?

Open dialogues and conversations are one step towards crushing such stigma. Over time, I’ve had the comfort of talking to my friends about menstruation openly. It’s true that this biological process is confined to the female body, but it is hugely encouraging, liberating even, to get support from the opposite gender. To be able to unabashedly ask for help when facing period pain is an immense relief. The next time we see a lady with a stain on her pants, or facing difficulties owing to menstruation, let us not hesitate to offer her help; stranger or otherwise. I’m lucky I had a friend when in need, and here’s hoping I can in turn be of aid to someone else. After all, it’s a “cycle”, right?

On Validation

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Here is an anecdote from a few years back. I was having a casual conversation with a friend and we soon scuba-dived from the surface-level small talk into the depths of the sea where personal stories lie buried in the sand, only to be uncovered in the most random of conversations. As we strolled, my friend shared a highly distressing experience she had been through. I was at a loss for words and just listened to her as she narrated the story. It was one of those surreal moments when you badly want to comfort someone but don’t know how to. I realized that though she had been through something far more serious than I ever had, I could still empathize and relate to some parts of her story.

After she had poured her heart out and we had spoken about it for a while, at this juncture, it seemed natural for me to open up as well. Yet, something held me back. The conscious realisation that the experience I wanted to talk about, albeit important to me, seemed trivial in contrast to what she had gone through. However, my gut feeling drove me to open up anyway, something I didn’t do very often. I started with the disclaimer, “So I too had a small setback a while ago… but that’s nothing in comparison to what you’ve been through.” She immediately waved it off saying, “You don’t have to compare! That’s totally okay.” I instantly felt relieved of judgement and was able to talk freely.

We are quick to judge and compare others’ sufferings, not realizing that we do that to our narratives as well. At times, blowing it up to the point that we start believing the hyperbole, and at other times, belittling our experience with a flippant “it’s nothing.” It is the latter that ironically raises more concern. Pain demands to be felt. And it is when we turn a blind eye towards it, avoidantly dressing it in frills of “c’est la vie”, letting the wound fester in an atmosphere of negligence, when things start to take a serious turn. There’s a delicate balance here between playing the victim card versus objectively realizing that what one has been through has been rough and needs to be healed, perhaps with the help mental health professionals.

It was when I was reading a personal account of a girl who was molested but was repeatedly told by others “to get over it”, that I realized how damaging this could be. She talks of how her experience, despite being intensely traumatic for her, seemed small in the face of other sufferings in the world such as rape, poverty, death and so on, convincing her that it wasn’t worth speaking up about.

But just because there are bigger problems on earth doesn’t mean someone’s challenges are insignificant. We find it extremely difficult to weigh our agonies against the appropriate amount of importance it deserves. What might just be a casual “break-up” for one, not worth giving a second thought, could mean a traumatic “heartbreak” for someone else, taking months or years to get over. What might be thought of as a mere “failure” in an exam, could take an aspirant who had left no stone unturned in its preparation, ages to accept the reality. What might be considered as “harmless” eve-teasing and an “inadvertent” brush of the hand, could take another person countless baths and sleepless nights to come to terms with.

All in all, each one of us has our fair share of poignant stories and experiences. And how we present them, not only to others but also to ourselves, says a lot. But the most important take away, is that our suffering is ours and ours alone, not for anyone else to judge or put into boxes. Something that might seem insignificant to others might have affected us to an appreciable extent. The important thing here is to feel it out, let the vulnerability strengthen us and come out of the kiln stronger.

Ultimately, the only validation we need and crave for is the one from ourselves. To be able to unabashedly be ourselves, to face all of our feelings – however difficult they might be, to not judge ourselves for the things we might do or not do, be or not be, and for once, love ourselves just the way we are. That’s the kind of validation we won’t get in the form of double-tapped hearts and likes, and yet, I bet, that’s the kind of validation our heart likes the most. 

Lights, Camera, Action!

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Here’s a thought. Imagine each of our lives recorded like a real-time show on some platform, say Netflix. However, it is meant specifically for just one’s own eyes (you probably don’t want everyone to see how you mindlessly stubbed your toe and screamed out in pain for five minutes straight this morning). Give the show a name, preferably with a positive spin; Always Have I Ever? Life Education? Breaking Good? How To Get Away With Life? Light? And this being real life, the show is not punctuated with back-to-back punch lines or overly dramatic scenes every two minutes, but is more like an endless documentary and captures every teeny thing; the mundane day to day activities, the smiles and the frowns, the ordinary conversations, the smallest of small moments.

If this reminds you of The Truman Show, it is indeed along those lines, except in this analogy, you knowingly direct your own show, just as everyone does theirs. You get to choose the genre. You get to change it too. Some episodes are romance, some comedy, some drama, and some even adventure. But there are no cuts, no retakes, no edits, no deletion of scenes allowed. Only one chance at everything.

Every few months, you wait in anticipation as a new season of your show gets released; representing a new version of you. Some seasons are spellbinding, you’re hooked to it. And some seasons are unpleasant and you just want to get them over with. Sometimes, there’s the arrival of an interesting character you fall in love with. And sometimes an evil character you wish would die at the end of the season (perhaps that went a little too far, but you get the drift). Every new person adds nuance to the show and develops the character arc of the main protagonist, you.

Within each season, are the small episodes as a window peek into the everyday life. Not each episode is the best. Some episodes are deplorable and you can’t help but cringe at it, or yourself. And yet, episode by episode, season by season, you understand and connect with yourself deeper. You root for yourself in the hardships and chuckle over the embarrassing moments. You shed a tear over the heartbreaks and empathize with the efforts. And when you re-watch your old episodes, you understand where you came from and are hopefully more forgiving in retrospect.

The OTT shows that speak to me the most are those that have a deep character arc. Where you are amazed by the change in the protagonist’s personality from season 1 to season 10. Going from disliking them at the start, to understanding their quirks and loving how much they’ve grown, much like how we would like to in real life (perhaps Louis from Suits or Rachel from Friends rings a bell?).

That’s how I would like my “show” to be. With bountiful change in the character season after season, hopefully for the better. A few laughs here, a few tears there. Good friends and family you wish to see constantly, while accepting that some people will flick in and out as guests for just 2 episodes. But the best parts are when you encounter someone out of the blue and they unexpectedly stick through the seasons, making it all the better.

And with these special people in your life, you choose to share the password for your show. Maybe unlock a few episodes first apprehensively, and then some more, and then all of it; right from the awkward first episodes, to the embarrassing ones you want to fast-forward through, to the ones you’re proud of and replay with joy.

You’re the director, producer, actor and critic of your show; all-in-one. As you live scene after scene, you realize that the most that can be done with the past story, is use it to gain acceptance and cherish as memories. Likewise, you have a fair idea of the direction you want your show to take next season. But if you squander all your time critiquing the past seasons, or meticulously directing episodes way into the future, then how do take out time to act fabulously “now”?

To quote from the book, The Courage To Be Disliked, “Life is not made up of lines, but a series of dots, a series of moments called “now”. If you’re under a bright spotlight, you won’t be able to see even the front row. If you are shining a bright spotlight on here and now, you cannot see the past or the future anymore.” At the end, I guess the best we can do is dab some make-up (or not), bask in the spotlight, and dance the dance this very moment, with whatever funky moves we’ve got.

Dotting the i’s and crossing the t’s

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I remember eagerly typing away at my computer for hours as a child; attempting to write my own fiction novel or poems with adorable rhyming schemes. I also remember my parents encouragingly asking me to share what I’d come up with so far, but I would hurriedly cover the monitor with my tiny fingers and say, “Don’t see just as yet! It’s not finished!” But it never was finished; it kept being a work in progress which I protected with all my heart. While my passion for writing even all those years back makes me smile, this particular flashback of safeguarding my work strikes to me as a trait not lost in the folds of time.

Now, I can identify it bobbing up in different forms. Sometimes, the emails I’m hesitant to send until I have attached every piece of supporting data to drive my point home. Sometimes, the reluctance to go and meet an acquaintance if I’m not looking my best. Sometimes, the interesting thoughts in my head that I jot down in my notes, but leave as drafts, unshared and forgotten, to be veiled from the world until I’m satisfied with it through and through.

You guessed it, it’s the perilous perfection at work here. But don’t get me wrong, it’s not entirely evil. It’s helped me better myself at multiple skills and build expertise. But at times, the unrealistic expectations I set for myself is a lot of unnecessary baggage to carry. It’s like going beyond that point in a bell curve after which the extra energy spent doesn’t translate into drastically improved results.

So now, I’ve started to get a little comfortable. Comfortable being an unfinished story. Okay with things not always being hunky-dory. Comfortable being a simple piece of art. Okay with needing to mentally log-off and restart. Comfortable being an unadorned picture because, why not. Okay with not having everything in life figured out. Comfortable being a poem with or without rhyme. Okay with not always being in my prime.

And while I will still shoot for the stars and push myself to go the extra mile, I’m learning to embrace and enjoy the little imperfections along this journey. I don’t need to dot every i and cross every t. Sooner or later, I will find that’s unnecessary. The freedom that this realization brings with it is surreal. Because that just means, I can live a life that’s real.

How are you?

Recently, a friend casually asked me how I am, and I spontaneously replied, “I’m fine! How are you?” before I even took a second to process the question. Catching myself, I said, “Haha, that came out like an automated reply. Actually, things have been… a little hectic lately.” We laughed at the irony of my first answer and carried on with the conversation. But my robotic response to that one question posed multiple times a day, made me pause and ask myself, how am I really?

Life since the last year has been – to put it in one word – eventful. A mixed bag of happiness, adventure, fun, anxiety, stress. While there are exciting experiences to recount and much more to experiment, there is often this lingering sense of feeling lost. Lost within the heartbeats of a city that throbs with life. Lost within a maze with millions of routes but only your instinct to trust. Lost within the delicate folds of the question ‘Am I doing enough?’

Maybe it’s that age. The newness of things. The acceptance of adulthood in its rawest sense. Being blindfolded, rotated and nudged into a world of possibilities. Like a blind date with life; it could go either way… but the consequences are to stay. Every experience experienced, every person met – a mere roll of the dice. And sometimes, I feel like I’m not the one rolling my dice. 

But in the big picture, that is just a grey lining to the silver cloud. The people make it worthwhile. Greeting acquaintances with an anticipatory ‘hi’, while snuggling into the comfort of old ties. The friends turned to family, the jokes and the raillery. The unplanned trips, and the embarrassing video clips. The small bursts of confidence from putting in effort, seeing myself grow and become a little better than the day before.

There is so much to learn, but perhaps even more to unlearn. The outdated beliefs to be replaced with a clean slate of the mind; ready to be painted with colors, showered with flowers, sometimes running rogue with graffiti that empowers.  

So, I’ll seek solace in the anticipation of the firsts yet to come, the things to look forward to. Discover myself and find my footing, sometimes down the well-trodden road, sometimes down the road not taken. 🙂

PS: How are you? 

Lemons from lemonade

When my thoughts get muddled and cob-webbed inside the head, I often like to read some quotes and witty liners to reflect upon or cheer myself up with. Here are some that caught my eye over the last year –

Matt Haig –
Sometimes the only way to learn, is to live.

WS Merwin –
Your absence has gone through me like thread through a needle.  Everything I do is stitched with its colour.

Sylvia Plath –
I’m glad the rain is coming down hard. It’s the way I feel inside. 

Howard Thurman –
Don’t ask yourself what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive and then go do that. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.

Richard P. Feynman –
The first principle is to not fool yourself, and you are the easiest person to fool.

Nassem Taleb –
If you want to become a philosopher king, first become a king, then a philosopher.

Naval Ravikant –

• Desire is a contract that you make with yourself to be unhappy until you get what you want.
• Would I still be interested in learning about this thing if I knew I couldn’t tell anyone about it?
• We are not looking for peace of mind, but peace from mind.
• Peace is happiness at rest, happiness is peace in motion.
• The closer you get to the truth, the more silent you are inside.
• Self-esteem is a reputation you have with yourself. You always know.
• Lead, follow or get out of the way.
• If there’s something you do that seems like play for you but work for others, that’s what you want to focus on.

Confucius –

• Every man has two lives and the second one begins when he realizes he has just one.
• A happy person wants ten thousand things, a sick person wants just one thing.

Thoreau –

• How vain it is to sit down to write when you have not stood up to live.
• There is no remedy for love but to love more.
• Never look back unless you are planning to go that way.
• Wealth is the ability to fully experience life.
• The price of anything is the amount of life you exchange for it.
• The rarest quality in an epitaph is the truth.
• Do not be too moral. You may cheat yourself out of much life so. Aim above morality. Be not simply good be good for something.
• None are so old as those who have outlived enthusiasm.
• Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it.
• Could a greater miracle take place than for us to look through each other’s eyes for an instant?
• Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves.
• What you get by achieving your goals is not as important as what you become by achieving your goals.
• The greatest compliment that was ever paid me was when one asked me what I thought, and attended to my answer.
• How many things there are concerning which we might well deliberate whether we had better know them.

Rumi –

• You have to keep breaking your heart until it opens.
• Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.
• Why do you stay in prison when the door is so wide open?
• Words are a pretext. It is the inner bond that draws one person to another, not words.
• Set your life on fire. Seek those who fan your flames.
• The wound is the place where the light enters you.
• Wherever you are, and whatever you do, be in love.
• Sell your cleverness and buy bewilderment. Cleverness is mere opinion. Bewilderment brings intuitive knowledge.
• As you start to walk on the way, the way appears.
• The only lasting beauty is the beauty of the heart.
• Close your eyes, fall in love, stay there.
• Let yourself become living poetry.
• You were born with wings, why prefer to crawl through life.
• When I am silent, I fall into the place where everything is music.
• Love sometimes wants to do us a great favour: hold us upside down and shake all the nonsense out.
• The world is a mountain, in which your words are echoed back to you.
• All your anxiety is because of your desire for harmony. Seek disharmony, then you will gain peace.
• Poetry can be dangerous, especially beautiful poetry because it gives the illusion of having had the experience without actually going through it.
• Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.
• If you are irritated by every rub, how will your mirror be polished?
• Out beyond ideas of wrong-doing and right-doing there is a field. I’ll meet you there.

Mark Twain –

• Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that crushed it.
• It’s not the size of the dog in the fight, it’s the size of the fight in the dog.   
• Age is a case of mind over matter; if you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter!
• The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up.
• When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain. 
• It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare.

My thoughts –

• It’s easy to be a Because, aspire to be a Despite.
• Life is a continuous process of trade-off. We are constantly giving up one thing for another.
• Adulting is like finding yourself in the eye of a cyclone. The only catch is, it is up to you to remain calm.
• When the mind is full of heavy, dark clouds, let it rain, let it rain through the eyes.

Phil’s-osophy (if you know, you know) –

• Success is 1% inspiration, 98% perspiration and 2% attention to detail.
• Take a lesson from Parakeets. If you’re ever feeling lonely, just eat in front of a mirror.
• Never be afraid to reach for the stars because even if you fall, you’ll always be wearing a parent-chute.
• When life gives you lemonade, make lemons. Life will be all like “what?!”

Finding peace in the pandemic

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For many of us, the last two years have been turbulent, often interspersed with murky eddies forming in some bumpy corners of our lives. Being bombarded with unprecedented challenges one after the other, doubled with constant uncertainty fogging up the mind, can be quite anxiety inducing and take a toll on mental and physical health.

In order to calm my nerves, I would try to keep myself active; at times nudging myself to experiment and dabble in new interests, and at other times, snuggling into the comfort of ageless hobbies which – quite literally, thanks to the pandemic – felt like home.

One of the upsides for me has been the time spent reading. Books have always been shelved in a special place in my heart and getting to go back to them after a long hiatus was a peaceful experience. It is freeing to know that even when you can’t step out of your room or house, you can still travel the world with the characters, live their lives and feel their feelings, with just a book in your hand. It gave my otherwise restless mind some interesting ideas to chew on and discuss with my friends.

Despite there being a multitude of online options to stay in touch with our friends and family, the lack of real human contact was another challenge dropped in our laps. I, for one, count myself lucky to be able to spend time with my family. Talking to friends, albeit on call, helped me ward off the sense of being isolated and cut-off from the world. These conversations allowed us a safe space to voice our concerns instead of bottling them up, and uplift each other’s spirits.

While news since the pandemic has been largely alarming and upsetting, mentions of random acts of kindness would perk up our ears. Articles of these touching, humane actions floated upwards through the sea of despair like resolute bubbles of hope. Stories like these keep us going, a reminder to keep our eyes on the silver lining of even the darkest clouds, and maybe try to make it a tad bit brighter in our smallest of ways. What we may brush off as an insignificant attempt to make any difference in this gigantic world, could perhaps be something that adds that small bit of sparkle to someone’s day, I’d like to imagine.

Now that we are slowly crawling out of our shells and returning to a sense of normalcy, it’s worth introspecting how the last two years have been trying for many, yet given us a lot to think about and learn from. Here’s looking forward to a time when our patience pays off and the pandemic becomes a distant memory of the past.